Fluffernutter

I'm hedging a bit here; I had a total urge to make my own marshmallows, but we're coming to the end of the winter and they look like they might require more counterspace than I've got, so I was putting it off. All it took was making bread yesterday to realise what the solution could be: one mouthful of peanut-butter on homemade bread, and I knew all that was missing was FLUFF.

Don't get me wrong; I never, ever got to have fluff as a child. For good reason, now I know what goes in it: it must be a dentist's worst nightmare. But I had bread, and I had peanut butter, and... Mmmm. Actually, I can't relate this without a fluffernutter sandwich. I'll be right back.



Mmmmmm. See, this is another reason to make fluff seldom and sparingly. Because this happens -- it's delicious, and you want to eat it. If I had kids, I'd probably make this once a year, maybe in February during school vacation -- you know, something to tide them over in those cruel candyless months between Christmas and Easter. I'd also make them help make it, because DAMN, the amount of sugar in this will establish for them exactly why this is a once-a-year treat.

Okay! Now that the health warning's out of the way, here we go.

I used Eileen Talanian's "Marshmallows" book, which looks like it belongs on Amy Sedaris'scoffee table. To start with, I made the base syrup: 1 cup of water, just over two and a half cups of sugar, a teaspoon of cream of tartar, and a dash of salt. Stir this until nicely mixed, then boil in a heavy pan. When it's boiling, cover the pan for 2 minutes (to wash sugar crystals from the sides of the pan via the steam). Uncover, stick a candy thermometer in -- but NO STIRRING! That'll form crystals again, and when the syrup cools the crystals will go through everything. Bad. Wait for the thermometer to go to 240, then kill the heat. Cool for 15 minutes before putting in jars...

...unless you're making fluff, in which case measure out 1.25 cups of the syrup and put into a saucepan with half a cup of water and another 1.5 cups of granulated sugar. Same as with the syrup, mix the ingredients, bring to a boil, cover and sweat the saucepan for 2 minutes, and then chuck in the candy thermometer.

Separate four eggs, putting the whites in your trusty Kitchenaid and saving the yolks for some future attempt at eggs benedict. Add 1/8 tsp salt to the egg whites, but don't start the mixer yet.

At the 220 mark, start the egg whites in the Kitchenaid and whisk on medium until it's thick and fluffy. Has the boiling sugar stuff reached 240? Good! Remove from heat, remove candy thermometer, and be VERY CAREFUL. The base is all gooey and sticky and also 240 degrees hot, so obviously this is a bad time to have it come in contact with your skin. Tip the base into the mixer while the whisk's going, but don't pour it onto the whisk, pour it along the side of the bowl -- aim for a point above the top level of the egg whites.

Once everything's in, crank the mixer up to high for 7 minutes -- this is also the time to add 2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract, just as the mixer's kicking into high gear. At the end of the 7 minutes, act fast to get everything into plastic containers and into the fridge, it lasts for 2 weeks.

I did that with most of the fluff, saving aside a little to put on my fresh bread with peanut butter, and also holding aside about 2 cups at the end when I dashed a tiny bit of mint extract into the mixer and made minty fluff for topping my cocoa. Mmmmm. Looks delicious there, and is delicious now.

The original Marshmallow Syrup recipe is actually double what I've posted above, but considering I just made an actual quart of fluff off of halving it, I think that most people wouldn't need the full dose of Syrup. And of course, I'd be remiss not to point out that this batch of fluff has no oil or anything naughty like that, but certainly DOES have almost FOUR CUPS OF SUGAR. Yikes.

So, what I've learned about fluff: Like most things that are bad for me, I love it. My mother was right not to give it to me in elementary school, though if I'd seen how much sugar went into it I might've been more reasonable about that rule. I would make this very seasonally, as in "for February school vacation" or "for a sundae-making event". And I'd make my consumer watch, so they know exactly what they're getting into.

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OBEY

What happens when you take a Futurama reference, run it through Shepard Fairey's Obey Giant design, and then shoot it out the Obama poster? This:


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Alors, bread!

Simple, eh? I've made bread before, years ago, but that was before I got a Kitchenaid. Then, I needed a lot of kneading space and time and while the bread was good, it wasn't fall-in-love good. And the kitchen ended up coated in flour.

This time round, things were different.

I'm using Alton Brown's Basic Bread recipe. You really do need a scale for this recipe, but as you'll note, I winged it with conversion of bread flour into cups. (In future, I won't do this.) All of the Good Eats eps are available on YouTube, and I'd suggest watching the ep while making the bread because he explains the science of what he's doing. Such as "why mix together a yeast slurry the night before?"

So, into a suitable container: first portion flour, honey, first portion rapid yeast, and bottled/filtered water. Whisk quickly, then leave in the fridge overnight.

Wake up the next morning, put rest of flour, rest of yeast, and salt into the Almighty Kitchenaid! Attach piratey bread hook, arrr. Tip the yeast slurry into the mixer, and turn the gears onto "2". Why 2? Because Kitchenaid really can't handle anything faster while kneading bread, but no one tells you that until your machine starts making funny noises. And if you've measured the flour incorrectly, your dough's going to be REALLY thick and bad, bad things might happen.

Once the dough's picked up all the flour in the bowl and blended in well, tip up the mixer's head and leave the dough at the bottom of the bowl to rest for 20 minutes, covering the bowl with a teatowel. It'll be a little puffier, at which point lower the hook, bwa ha ha! Knead mercilessly for 5-10 minutes.

Lightly grease a container and chuck the doughball in; put this in your oven with a roasting pan full of boiling water. Don't turn the oven on or anything, this is just to keep the steam in an enclosed place with the rising dough. Leave it alone for 2 hours.

I'll update with kneading photos sometime, maybe. It's probably better to leave it to the Good Eats episode. Besides, the really weird and important part was the slurry. (That, and not breaking your mixer.)

But here is the result! It's Franken bread! I didn't shape the loaf as well as I might have, so there's a weird little bulge going on at the bottom of the bread, but that didn't affect the flavour. Which was delicious!

All together, good project. Long project, and passively time-consuming -- you don't really need to do much more work than about 30 minutes, but you need to be present. But this is a pretty good thing to do on a Saturday morning, and you'll have fresh (unpreserved, so short shelflife) bread for the weekend. And when you add up all the ingredients, it's cheaper than buying nice bread from a local bakery. So really, it's all about working the time into your schedule.

But let me tell you: this fresh bread with honey, or jam, or nutella or peanut butter? Seriously satisfying.

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Friday the 13th

What a horror this day has been so far!

A bit of a preface - in my ever-expanding search for employment, I have started looking at casting notices and trying to get auditions. After all, now's as good a time as any for that sort of thing! Earlier this week I received two emails from a particular theater company here in LA, inviting me to two separate auditions: one for a certain play, and one to become a general member of their company. Sweet!

Except that I didn't read them very carefully, and completely missed the audition for the play. Now, this wasn't as tragic as it could have been, since they said in the email that if I was unable to make the audition I could simply attend the call-backs on Saturday, but still. That's just bad business on my part.

So I started preparation for my general audition, which entailed learning a contemporary monologue. For someone like me who's more accustomed to learning Shakespeare, it didn't seem like it should be much of a problem. I flipped through a book of monologues, picked one that seemed funny and could show off my comedy chops, and got started trying to learn it and make a few acting choices.

And then I read the email again. After several hours of learning this comedy monologue, I realized that the monologue was supposed to be 2 minutes or less, and this one was closer to 4. Back to the drawing board!

I selected a different monologue, one that seemed dangerously familiar, and got to work on it. I say "dangerously familiar" because I had learned (and subsequently forgotten) it several years ago, but I was vaguely familiar enough with it that I didn't have the sense of urgency with regards to learning it - surely that level of comfort means I know it, right?

Wrong, but whatever. After some half-assed attempts, I actually did more or less know the thing, and thought I could make a good impression with it for my audition today.

Which brings us to Friday the 13th.

I woke up early this morning, figuring I should probably take a little extra time to get my head screwed on straight, get my voice all warmed up, and maybe run the monologue a few times before heading off to the 11:00 audition. I did all of the above the best that I could, and my head felt totally calm, although my stomach begged to differ. Either way, 10:30 rolled around and I headed out, determined to give it my best shot. I found the theater (which, much to my surprise, was located in a strip mall), parked, re-parked when I realized I was in the wrong part of the garage, and headed upstairs, taking deep breaths as I went. There were a few people milling about outside the theater, and two in the lobby, so I pulled the door open and bravely went inside.

"Can I help you?" one of them said, which was, coincidentally, a line right out of my monologue. And, just like the character in the monologue, I froze. Something in the way she said it meant I had absolutely no business there.

"Audition?" I managed to croak out.

The woman looked at me funny. "Here?" she asked?

I looked at the sign. Yes, this was the right place. "Yep. At least, I think so."

She called to someone inside. "Do you know anything about an audition?"

The other woman came out to the lobby. "For...?"

"Uh, the company?" I said, really hoping I would spontaneously combust.

"Oh," the woman said, finally clear, "that's at 12:45!"

I was mortified. "Oh! Oh, um, sorry! Guess I'll -" and I practically ran out the door. When I got home, still mortified, and checked the email for the third time, I realized that the woman was absolutely correct, and that I'd mixed up the time for the Saturday call-back with today's audition. And did I regroup, get myself together, and go back? No, I did not. I thought about it, I considered it long and hard, and at one point I thought I absolutely would, but in the end I realized that if I'm having this many issues with getting the simplest thing right today, I probably shouldn't go and try to make a good first (give or take) impression on this company. It can only end in tears.
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Unappealing Tasks

Okay, so. In addition to the general cost-cutting (have I mentioned I'm about to start making my own bread?), I've been looking at proactive ways to stay OUT of the credit/debt/whatever trap before I fall in.

For instance: I thought I paid a doctor's bill about a million years ago. Apparently I didn't; I got another notice (the "pay this before we collect on you, starting with your kneecaps!" type), discovered I had no record of paying it, and so got on the phone. It was a genuine mistake, the hospital sent me around five different bills for a single visit... Ech, anyhow, watch out for that. And lo and behold, as I'm talking to the guy and say "I lost my job a month ago..." he suddenly says "Well, for people in your situation, we do have permission from this vendor to give a discount, if you can pay that discounted rate in full."

Oh, realllly?

Yes really! And it turns out it was a 50% discount! Outrageous! So I saved a fair amount of money, which was delightful, and immediately decided to deploy this in every possible place I can.

It doesn't work that way often, obviously. But simply by getting on the darn phone and making a few calls, I was able to knock $5 off my monthly Verizon plan -- the rep took a look at my average phone usage, found a minute plan that's closer to my actual usage, and voila. On top of that, she reminded me that I've got an app on there that's costing me $10/month. And when I was first learning my way around New York, that was a fair expense, but now? Cut cut cut. So that's $15 off my phone bill.

Next up, heating and gas. (I'd actually sat on my gas bill for a little while, so this was three months' worth of cost.) After a 20-minute wait after a bunch of other panicking masses, I got a lovely woman and explained to her that I'm unemployed, that I'm ineligible for unemployment benefits (thanks, contractor-happy corporations!), and that I'd like to sort out a payment plan. Within a matter of minutes and a 45 cent charge to do a cheque-over-the-phone initial payment, a $400 bill transformed into a monthly $125 payment schedule. Shazzam.

I called the credit card company, only to have them bizarrely tell me that I couldn't get the rate they're offering to new sign-ons. So I went and found a new card, this time with shiny airline points included (and yes, I should've had an air points card all along, I know). On top of that, it's got the option of balance transfer and 6 months of 0% APR.

I do have a few friends who used this balance-transfer trick for years, shifting debt at set intervals to a shiny new 0% APR, but I can't decide whether that was a smart move or if it somehow dings your credit history. Then again, they were moving real mountains of debt, not the relatively small sums I charge up. Regardless, I intend to keep using the original card, just more sparingly -- I usually pay my credit bills ASAP, and the APR it jumps to later is comparable to my existing card, so all of this is good with me. And my existing balance is completely manageable; if I had a crazy amount of debt on plastic, I probably would've tried to talk them into forgiving some of it, but it just wasn't justifiable here.

I've also been signing up for discount store cards -- as in, the ones where you swipe/log it to get discounts and coupons. I never did before, because I am a taxonomist and therefore know exactly how marketers can use that collected information, but there is a time for noble posturing and a time for picking up loose change on the subway, and we are in the second of those times. And now all I've got left to do is get on the phone with the cable/phone/internets company and I think I'll have minimized my exposure as much as possible.

(Side note - do cut flowers ever turn into flower zombies?)

Only in horror films, and possibly New Zealand.



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Holy crap, a rainbow!

One of the best things about being unemployed is that when I stare out the window for hours at a time on a rainy day, no one yells at me for it. Also, rainbows!


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Flowers, Gifts, and Cheap Entertainment

Eliza, I'm so with you on the flowers.

The first reaction I had to unemployment (and really, even to impending unemployment) was to cut back on spending as much as possible. When you don't know when the next check will be coming in, it's kind of a smart move. I was reasonably thrifty while still employed, so the cutting back wasn't too much of a shock to the system, but I still miss the occasional new pair of shoes or new top. So what's a girl to do?

Reasonably-priced alternatives, that's what.

Flowers can be a fairly inexpensive way to brighten the apartment that you now spend a lot more time in (or almost all of your time, if, like me, you spend money every time you leave and thus try never to go outside). I have got to find a place that does roses for not a million dollars! Or maybe I'll get those potted daffodils that are in season right now. Somehow it seems more humane to have a flowering plant instead of cut flowers.

(Side note - do cut flowers ever turn into flower zombies?)

Another thing that helps keep the spirits high - or at least manageable - is the occasional treat, and I would definitely recommend toys or books. Yesterday an errand brought me to a toy store, and I decided to get something I've wanted for a month and a half: a Wall-E action figure. Sure, this little guy isn't as totally awesome as the removable-parts Wall-E that I got for my nephew, but as he perches on the counter above my computer and keeps an eye on things, he makes me smile!

Which brings me to the third part of the title - cheap entertainment. I have previously extolled the virtues of the $5 shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade, and having already been to one of this week and having plans to see another one before the weekend is up, I will definitely stand by my previous recommendation. This week I also caught a completely free stand-up comedy show at the House of Blues here in LA, and to cap it all off, I went (again, without having to pay) to see a taping of "The Late Late Show" over at the CBS lot. Now, if you're unemployed in or near New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago, you should see what you can do about availing yourself of the opportunity for free tickets. Many, many shows tape in each of those three cities, and they need warm bodies in the audience every day. Check the show's website for ticket info, and if that doesn't help, check the network's website. Barring that, I guess you can always hope for some luck on Craigslist! But definitely persist, because free entertainment is awesome.
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Coping Mechanism: Flowers!

I've stopped drinking any form of designer coffee entirely. (I used to work right above an Au Bon Pain, which means that this was a rather major behaviour change.) And once I got over the shakes, it's been quite nice just making do with tea at home. At the start of this experiment I started noting how many times I'd WANT a coffee and didn't get it, and having totalled all of that up? Man, I wasted a lot of money on coffee.

The wise thing to do here is to save all that money. But if you live like a total miser, you will eventually become evil and depressed, so I'm trying to counter that by scouting out things that cost about the same amount as a latte, but last for much, much longer. So Laurie, though I don't have a Trader Joe's locally, I'm totally on board this trend: flowers!

All of the bunches here are under $7 (though the tea roses are two separate bunches all stuffed into a trifle stand). Obviously, the only proper vase I have is the square one with the white tulips in -- did you know that you can put tulips in an oddly-shaped vase like that, and they'll pitch themselves up towards the light? Clever little buggers... Anyhow. Don't buy a vase unless you can find one cheap, just use whatever you've got in the kitchen (see: jug, trifle dish).

I can't tell you how much my mood's improved since buying these. Go buy flowers immediately! Or a plant! Or both!

Bar that, clean the house while jamming to the tragically danceable Bale Remix. I have no take on the source material, but man, the remix is catchy...
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